I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
drew a comic about my origin story
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.