I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Can Happiness buy money?