How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.