you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle