Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
me opening up to someone
Cndnsd Mlk
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My biological clock is wheezing.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.