Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi