I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You Might Also Like
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.