We’re all getting idioter.
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.