I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon