“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I put the hot in psychotic.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.