I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.