Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.