Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Just so funny
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor