No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.