If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra