Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Did my cat write this
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard