[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes