To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.