People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order