ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Potatoes were such a good idea
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots