Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now