My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.