Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.