The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
lol
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
A leaf blower, but for people.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him