Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Ah..makes sense now
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
We found love in a hopeless place.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
wtf is an acronym
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.