I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Gemma Correll
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
#Caturday
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.