Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*