My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
every college guy’s fridge
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion