Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me too, bag. Me too….
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
this is the best day of my life
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”