I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
You Might Also Like
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I think I’ll stand
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
me hooking up with my ex
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.