My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Monday
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss