Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]