Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”