If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
no
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Saw online –
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*mops up wine with cat*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.