If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
December birthdays be like…
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*watches the world burn*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”