A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space