I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Lucky old June.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.