My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
They also CAN sing✌️
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.