Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂