A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.