Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Stop sending me this shit.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?