When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.