*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You Might Also Like
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!