It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
that lip filler tho
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.