No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Flock of bats
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane