homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Now this is how you LinkedIn
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe