Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.