Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….