Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”