Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
You Might Also Like
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
An odd boast
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.